overheard in the library

"Every bad decision that I've ever made in my entire life is because of bad advice that Shelly gave me."

Amanda

I was in tenth grade when you were in twelfth. We had gym class together. I thought of you as one of the cool girls - the "in" girls - but not in the way that most girls were cool or in. Most girls were cool or in because they were loud and overbearing or because they got in fights with other girls. But you were cool in a different way - first of all, you were a senior which meant that you were automatically given some respect. Even the uncool girls got respect if they were seniors. But even apart from being a senior, I sensed that most girls respected you in a way that they didn't respect the other girls.

I saw you as being independent and I admired you for that. Sometimes in gym class we had to walk around the outside of the basketball court for exercise. While most girls walked in large groups and stuck to those same groups for the whole semester, you would either walk by yourself or with one other girl, but without ever falling into the routine of walking with the same girl every time.

Our parents hadn't been seeing eachother for very long when they decided to get married. Your dad and my mom told us that they had set the date for that summer. The summer of your graduation. I don't remember who approached who first, but somehow you and I got to talking during gym class - first about our parents and then about ourselves. You had a boyfriend and you spoke about him vaguely. I sensed that he was older - in part because of how little you said about him and also because you seemed a bit too mature to date high school aged guys.

I liked you. You were soft spoken but confident. In a gym class where girls fought and gossiped, you had an air about you that said, "I'm secure with myself and I'm really not bothered with what you think." This about you also intimidated me a bit. I felt that there was something like a rebellious side to you, but that only your close friends and boyfriend ever saw. And I wondered if we would ever become close enough for me to see this side of you.

After you graduated high school, our parents got married as planned. My mom and I moved into your dad's house - your childhood home. And your old bedroom became mine.

You and I didn't see eachother often after that, except for the occasional family gathering. I remember sitting with you in my bedroom a few times. We would share things about our boyfriends, talk about weird things that our parents did, and also we would plan to hang out sometime soon - and we did too.

After I graduated high school, I left home and we didn't keep in contact. We were both in school again now, and you were thinking of majoring in criminology.

I spoke to your dad only a few times during the next few years and he would tell me about what you were up to. He would also tell me that he was worried about you and that he loved you. The two of you didn't see each other very often and he really missed you.

When I came into Pittsburgh this past Friday my mom told me that she had something to tell me. She said that you died on Thursday night. Amanda, I felt like I couldn't breathe -like someone had punched me in the stomach. I didn't know what to say.

Your funeral was today. I read your obituary in the newspaper and again it hit me hard.

I've been thinking about you and about the little bit of time that we've spent together. It's sad to think about what you must have been going through and that you didn't feel like you had many options. I guess all I have to say now is that I hope that everybody who is close to you can give eachother the support to deal with you being gone.